What's it Like To Have A Brother or Sister With A Disability?
Being part of a family and having a brother and/or sister can be one of life’s most rewarding experiences. When one of the family members has a disability, families may face additional challenges and stress. Parents often worry about what effect that child’s presence will have on the rest of their children. There may be worries over family finances. The child’s health or behavior may create additional pressures. In addition, all family members must come to terms with the child’s disability and how it affects their family.
This additional stress undoubtedly affects all family members, including brothers and sisters. It is difficult to know how to meet all of our children’s needs. As parents, it is important to understand some of the feelings that brothers and sisters may feel and take steps to create positive family life experiences for each child.
Natural Emotions
Brothers and sisters of children with disabilities often experience pressures that other children do not. These pressures can include:
- Embarrassment because of their brother/sister’s different behavior or appearance
- Ridicule from friends and classmates
- Anxiety over their present or future care responsibilities for their brother/sister
- Jealousy because the sibling with disabilities occupies so much of the parent’s time
- Resentment because financial burdens imposed on the family by the child with disabilities affect all family members
- Depression because the presence of the child with disabilities in the family limits the family’s opportunities
- Guilt over feelings of resentment toward the sibling
- Concerns about their own worth as individuals
- Fear about becoming disabled or having children with disabilities
As difficult as it may be, it is important for parents to recognize that their children may be experiencing these feelings. It then becomes the parents’ job to help them to cope with their feelings.
What Can Parents Do To Help
Our own ability to deal with family challenges will provide the best examples to our children. A positive attitude and acceptance of our child’s disability will determine the rest of the family’s coping abilities. If we can deal honestly with our frustrations, disappointments, grief, and anger, our children will learn to do so as well. Other things we can do are:
- Spend individual time and give personal attention to each child.
- Use respite care and other supportive services without feeling guilty. Provide opportunities for typical family life and typical family activities.
- Take time for yourself. The example you set of caring for yourself shapes how your children will care for themselves when they become adults.
- Talk honestly with your children. Provide factual, understandable information on their brother/sister’s disability. Explain why the child with disabilities may take more of your time.
- Help to develop an explanation about the sister/brother’s disability that they can share with their friends.
- Join a sibling support organization.
- Let siblings settle their own differences. Don’t always take the side of the child with the disability.
- Allow your children to become individuals, make individual choices. Encourage them to have their own interests and participate in activities like other kids their age, ie. Little League, soccer, gymnastics, dance class, Boy/Girl Scouts.
- Welcome other children and friends into the home. Encourage neighborhood friendships, organize play groups.
- Listen to your children. Help your children to express feelings of anger or resentment about the sister/brother with disabilities, without feeling guilty.
- Recognize that it is natural to be embarrassed by their brother/sister’s actions. Embarrassment is a natural occurrence in all families.
- Assign a reasonable amount of responsibility for child care and housework.
- Require the child with disabilities to do as much for himself/herself as possible. Siblings can be good models from which parents can learn to expect more from their child with disabilities.
- Recognize each child’s unique qualities and family contributions.
- Sometimes openly say to the child with a disability, “You must wait a minute, your sister needs me right now.” It’s great to know you’re #1 sometimes.
- Recognize that siblings are often the most important, most powerful teachers of their brother/sister with disabilities.
- Involve all family members in family events and decisions. Plan for the future and provide information about what will happen should you die. Reassure your children that you expect them to make individual decisions, based on their own future plans and needs, not on their sibling’s needs.